He will tell you that you’re the only one. He will lie and cheat his way into your heart if he wants to. He will discard you! No one is safe with this man!
He’s the trashiest, most unhealthy, addicted to everything, totally psycho POS in Texas! I’ve met some whoppers, but he takes the cake and the candles! I was stunned when I found this site. I wish I had found it sooner. But maybe whatever women we can reach, even one, and save them from this disgusting pervert, I’m game. We have to stick together! I will never let any man make me that angry again. Trashy!!! And I made damn sure he knew it.
Well that’s easy. To help. Especially to help other women recognize abuse and unhealthy relationships. And hopefully to help them learn from our bad experiences so that they don’t have to go through it themselves.
Reveal a Narcissist’s True Colors, According To Shahida Arabi
There are many ways to figure out whether someone has narcissistic tendencies and traits. Here are the three biggest “tests” you can use to reveal a narcissist’s true colors, according to a researcher.
The Red Herring Test.
A narcissistic person lacks empathy and is willing to use whatever vulnerability they sense you have against you in order to exploit you. If you throw out a “red herring,” a false clue as to what triggers, fears, or wounds you may have, no matter how big or small, you will find that the narcissist will deliberately use this against you. For example, you may be very confident about your figure, but if you tell someone you suspect is toxic that you are insecure about it, you can bet that they will suddenly start to pick at your weight. With the red herring test, you can compel the narcissist to reveal themselves and their true nature early on so you can exit the relationship safely.
The Envy and Covert Sabotage Test.
Narcissists are pathologically envious of anyone with talents, achievements, beauty, personality traits, or popularity that surpasses theirs. Research supports that they have malicious envy – the type of envy that causes them to go out of their way to try to sabotage the people who have what they covet. That is why, if you disclose an achievement, a big interview or meeting, or any type of cause of celebration, you must watch closely for their reaction. You can choose to use a red herring here too; for example, mention that you have an interview coming up but rather than saying the actual date of the interview, suggest it is the next morning. A true narcissist will usually instigate a crazymaking argument, attempt to sabotage the interview, make you lose sleep or make a minimizing or otherwise covertly cruel comment right before they think this event is coming up. This will expose their motives and need to sabotage you, and you will be able to opt out of the relationship before it escalates.
The Boundary or Bare Minimum Test.
While the narcissist is effusively charming during the love bombing stage, they are absolutely ruthless during the devaluation stage of the relationship. If you are having doubts as to whether or not a narcissist is love bombing you in a superficial manner or genuinely interested, it can be helpful to use the boundary or bare minimum test. You may set a boundary and see how they react to it or ask them to meet certain expectations (usually the bare minimum). For example, you may say you cannot go out one night when you’re usually always available because you’re tired, or you might ask them to text you when they get home one night if you usually don’t. If they lash out in rage or overstep your boundary, you know that at the very least you may be dealing with a toxic person who is not compatible with you. If they punish, stonewall, verbally abuse, or gaslight you when you ask for the bare minimum, or give you an ultimatum, you know that at the very least you are dealing with someone who cannot even meet basic standards of communication or accountability. You deserve more than toxic relationships. You deserve freedom, healing, and thriving
I feel it would help ALL those here to know the definition of rape vs Texas legal prosecution requirements. I wouldn’t call him a rapist. Just sayin. Think for yourself. He can get to my panties but he can’t get to my head or my heart. It’s the only way to mess around with a guy like him. Fuckboi anyone? Am I right?
“The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
But in reality… “Rape is forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object. Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape.”
Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware: Some states use this term interchangeably with rape.) safeplacenantucket.com
My lawyer told me it comes down to consent. Legally, if you are coerced it’s not a rape charge. And for the sexual assault charge it basically has to be on film or have witnesses. Aka don’t bother because this one is lawyered up!
Clearly the owner of the site isn’t monitoring it. Otherwise, why would he let these stories stay here? I’ll tell my story and hope that it helps one of you.
I met Phil April 2015. We flirted online for a long time until I felt I could trust him. He was much older, but since he had a house and car and was working, it was still an improvement from my ex. I was also going to school at the time and desperate for someone to escape to. To just be me again.
But in the end, Phil was no better than my alcoholic ex. In fact, he was worse. Turns out there are worse addictions that are easily hidden if you don’t know better. He used gaslighting to make me question my mental stability, to the point that he almost convinced me to see a neurologist and make sure nothing was wrong with my brain. He consistently belittled me and caused me to question every decision I made or thought I had. His brother was no help and was polite enough to refuse to get involved. I began dealing with intense depression and found it increasingly difficult to find enjoyment in things I once loved. I became angry, isolated and searched for acceptance anywhere I could find it.
When I would say I was leaving him, he would become violent, throwing and smashing things. Then a few days later he would explain that he wouldn’t do those things if he didn’t love me. I wish I knew that isn’t love back then. I would give him another chance and he was affectionate and kind again. He was thoughtful and funny. He was extremely nice when I told him I was interested in his drug of choice. I thought he had finally come around because I was being more accepting.
Not long after, I was addicted. He used the addiction to control me. It just kept getting worse and worse. His words became more violent and insulting. Whenever I did have the courage to stand up to him, he would find a new way to belittle me – like telling me to go back to therapist. It got to the point where I didn’t know reality apart from this world he had created.
Towards the end of our relationship, he threatened to call CPS to take my daughter away so I would know what he was capable of. I now work in domestic violence prevention, hoping that the experience I had will never be endured by another person.
A friend told me she brought up my blog to Phil. I cannot believe what he said:
Lol. Let me guess ? Is that the site where chicks I broke up with talk shit behind my back . Lol. How reliable. Talking about someone while thier not around to defend themself. Funny how they’re talking about me and I sure as fuck ain’t talking about them. Probably wouldn’t remember most of them
So go take your shot at me. I’m too busy doing me than to give two shits about what scorned whores have to say about me behind my back. Tell them anyone who would do that ; it’s no wonder I’m not interested in them. And if they’re still talking shit I guess none of them got another man or they wouldn’t still be doing it. So tell those losers maybe if they tried being better people they might get and keep a man one day. Noone wants a bitter , shit talking coward for a woman. Peace out
Phil Venezia himself
To be clear, we aren’t talking “behind his back.” This is the third time someone tried to get him to read this site to show him his affect on women and join the conversation.
On one hand, I must admit I am relieved. Although there is nothing he can do to take this down or silence our voices, I am concerned he will figure out where I am to “exact his revenge,” or that’s what he used to say. It’s been several years now, give or take. I doubt he even remembers me.
As I’m writing this, it’s becoming apparent to me this feeling is anguish. Currently, I can feel a lump in my throat – fear, butterflies in my tummy – anxiety, and also my face feels flush – anger. I’m angry that he STILL has such a strong effect on me. That’s why I HIGHLY recommend going “no contact” whenever you leave him to wallow in his self inflected misery. The sway he had on me was undeniable. I feel so dirty remembering it now, and not the sexy kind of dirty. The “omg I need an STD screen” panic type of dirty.
Please send good vibes for the safety of our sanctuary, the resonance of our voices, and the respect we all deserve.
I broke his heart. I feel terrible about it and thought I was making up for it by taking all the abuse. Apparently, he just likes hurting me because I deserve it. But I’ve seen him hurt lots of really nice women, too. I think he means to hurt people. I think he knows exactly how deeply he cuts me with his careless words.
I thought I could change him, but I was wrong. He has some Narcissistic Personality Disorder tendencies, such as never actually feeling sorry, incapable of being held accountable, and only understands the world from within a very fragile ego.
If you’re trying to have a monogamous relationship, don’t. It’s just never gonna happen. If he tells you that you’re the only one he’s having sex with, he’s lying or just referring to that hour or day. Expect lots of half truths and doublespeak. He is easily distracted and forgets about most women within three hours.
If he starts texting while you’re going down on him, he’s making fun of the previous 3 or 4 women who aren’t “currently in rotation,” he might even be sending pics of you. Over time I became paranoid. I learned not to expect a car outside every time he’s lying about having another “friend” over. He bangs homeless chicks. If you see a drugged out skinny chick walking away in any direction from his house, he probably just banged her. And he never wears a condom.
And god forbid if you don’t get him off! And if he thinks you’re lying about anything at all, just run and don’t turn back. Especially if you really are lying or if he’s into you- at the time. He never forgives. And you can mark his every threat, if you push him he will follow through without mercy or hesitation.
His best friend is that way for a reason. I’ll call her Blondie. He bangs her too, and she gives him shots. Sometimes does his hair. And ESPECIALLY don’t trust the one that lived in her garage. That “friend” got me hooked on drugs so she could have more time with Phil. She’s charming but defines the word conniving. She’s also gotten two other friends of Phil’s hooked on drugs. She’s a decent person when medicated.
The part that makes me craziest is that he won’t listen. He says he’s a godsend to women, but he’s a curse. He cycles through women like Lance Armstrong. Honeymoon phase lasts 1-2 weeks. Then 1-2 weeks of monotony and being moody, especially moody if he’s only banging you. Then he steps out. Usually with me. It took me way too long to realize the pattern. He may or may not warn you when he drops you/ kicks you to the curb. That’s why this site exists. The “friend” called it “getting strange,” as in once he can’t take it anymore he bangs the first STRANGEr he finds. Usually a drifting grifter. Just a nasty man.
I sincerely hope there is a woman strong enough and pure enough (but not naive at all) that can help that man. No one deserves to die alone. He’s making a beeline for that future as I write this. Such a disappointment.
Oh! But on the bright side, I’ve learned so much from him! I’ve learned boundaries, how to stand up for myself, who I truly am, and what my values are. When I met him I was a shell of a woman. Naive and out to get laid, no feels, no way! Then he found me on a kinky dating site. Said he could teach me kinky things. All he taught me was that I’m far stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. So if you feel victimized by him, remember that’s just the on-ramp to a better life. I read a quote that hit the nail on the head. “Every negative event contains within it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” – Napoleon Hill
I highly recommend Stoicism if you want to stick around in his life. Here’s another: “The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.” – Will Rogers
I say, Use your pain to start again! He doesn’t own you, no matter how homeless or depressed you are. You can and you will move on without even realizing it. So just accept it and take back control of your life. You’re the only one who can. For that, just remember: A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it. – Marcus Aurelius
When I think of Phil, I still get a knot in my throat, tears in my eyes, and a pit in my stomach. He put me and all of my friends here through so much hell. Many of you fought back, I heard he even went to jail.
But he’s still free. Walking around completely oblivious, or worse totally uncaring about the effect he’s had on us.
So yeah, I hold a grudge. Abso-fucking-lutely. But I don’t let it define me or allow it to negatively affect my truth. Trauma doesn’t go away overnight, nor on its own. You have to do the work. And here it is.
You will NEVER get a sincere apology. Just accept it.
If pigs fly and you do, I am so happy for you. And you can still do this work, too.
Imagine a trauma or emotional event. How did it make you feel? Write down every detail within your comfort zone.
Now, what is it that you wanted in that moment? What was you mind/heart/soul crying out for? What would have soothed you?
How have you felt since that event if you have not received what you needed above?
We cannot wait on apologies. Our recovery is our responsibility.
Can you imagine how you would feel if you got what you needed to overcome that moment and find your center again?
So, now, what have you learned from this exercise? About yourself, the moment, whatever comes to mind.
Finally, it’s time to commit. Write down (yes with a pointy thing in your hand on any surface suitable for writing): I commit myself to _______. This is your new mantra.
An example, for me, I commit myself to letting go of people who show me little to no respect because I respect myself, and I know that I matter.
All I ever wanted was respect.
KNOW that you are beautiful and did NOT deserve any harm that has come to you.
I’m borrowing this from a woman on Quora. Given our small group, I don’t think she will mind reposting it here.
the sign that helped me flag a closet narc was a simple test on their behavior.
check this behavior.
“what I think is, what I say,
what I say is what I do”.
if all 3 things dont go hand in hand and the reasons you get are not logical, your dealing with a closet narc.
they are incapable of doing what they say,
they are incapable of saying what they think.
and they are definately doing what they think. without considering the consequences of their actions.
Shel
Then a friend reposted this with some important nuances to keep in mind.
This is brilliant! Although not necessarily a NPD-specific test, it’s actually better. Borderline PD will also fail this test, as well as many others. However, it’s not foolproof. For example, I think I want to end this relationship, I say I’m considering leaving this relationship, but I start making long term plans with the person in the relationship… that’s just an attachment disorder. I guess checking to see if logic lines up is key. I’d also warn against using this method as a singular source of truth to base any major decisions on. However, the more tools, the merrier. I’m going to start using it on myself. I tend to say things without thinking, and on rare occasion I might hurt someone’s feelings. This method might help me figure out what instinct I was operating on and how to prevent it in the future.
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