I’m borrowing this from a woman on Quora. Given our small group, I don’t think she will mind reposting it here.

the sign that helped me flag a closet narc was a simple test on their behavior.

check this behavior.

“what I think is, what I say,

what I say is what I do”.

if all 3 things dont go hand in hand and the reasons you get are not logical, your dealing with a closet narc.

they are incapable of doing what they say,

they are incapable of saying what they think.

and they are definately doing what they think. without considering the consequences of their actions.

Shel

Then a friend reposted this with some important nuances to keep in mind.

This is brilliant! Although not necessarily a NPD-specific test, it’s actually better. Borderline PD will also fail this test, as well as many others. However, it’s not foolproof. For example, I think I want to end this relationship, I say I’m considering leaving this relationship, but I start making long term plans with the person in the relationship… that’s just an attachment disorder. I guess checking to see if logic lines up is key. I’d also warn against using this method as a singular source of truth to base any major decisions on. However, the more tools, the merrier. I’m going to start using it on myself. I tend to say things without thinking, and on rare occasion I might hurt someone’s feelings. This method might help me figure out what instinct I was operating on and how to prevent it in the future.

Anon